IT LACKS ACIDITY

Sunday, Week 12

So, last week, huh? Last week was a pretty big deal on Masterchef! George pretended to be a b-boy. Ellie executed the biggest upset win of ALL TIME, future included, and won an immunity pin. Evil was vanquished and order restored throughout the land. But now all of us are back in Australia and there is still a pressing need to STEP THINGS UP since we are only THREE WEEKS away from the finale, which means it is time to fly the contestants to Melbourne to cook for the Dalai Lama! They are given a cryptic quote on a piece of cardboard and told to pack and then there is just a straight up casual insertion of Qantas stock footage:

Great job, Channel 10! Recession etc. Budget conscious. I get it! They’re in Melbourne now, at the Melbourne Convention Centre and Billy is worried that they might have to cook food for thousands of people, but please don’t be worried, sweet prince, because the truth is so much lulzier. They walk into a room. There is Buddhist gear everywhere. Dani says there is “a sense of calm, a sense of peace.” HAHA. Of course. The Dalai Lama is like Darth Vader but Buddhist, Asian and dressed in red: you can detect his presence when he is nearby. That is a fact LOOK IT UP. Gary explains that they will be cooking for a man who “transcends celebrity” and counts celebrities among his followers and also has “one of the most recognisable faces on the planet”. Got it. Billy says he grew up in a Buddhist family and would be honoured to meet the Dalai Lama. Everyone else, being white, obviously FREAKS OUT because nothing gets us whities more excited than an exiled leader of a Buddhist state, right? TI-BET! TI-BET! TI-BET! (Sorry to be such a cynic, but it always mystifies me when people make such a big deal about the Dalai Lama? Obviously he seems like a very nice man with views that are largely right on and the Chinese oppression of Tibet is horrible and everything and of course there is a certain universal appeal to a happy old Buddhist man. I get that! But there is also something about the way Western culture fawns over the Dalai Lama that is a bit icky and imperialist, if you ask me. So that is my two cents on the Dalai Lama, yours for FREE.)

Anyway, the cooking bit: tomorrow they have to make a vegetarian lunch dish for the judges, the Dalai Lama and four of his invited guests. The food must be ready at 12 noon. The bottom three will go into a pressure test and, as George explains, the person who makes the “most joyful” dish will go through to an immunity round. Obviously, because they will be cooking for the Dalai Lama it’s important to not fuck it up, so Kylie Kwong will be mentoring them in the kitchen. Yesssss!

Kylie Kwong goes through a list of things the Dalai Lama does and does not like: he doesn’t likes sour things. He likes cheese, bread, noodles, mushrooms, coriander and dessert, so clearly everyone is going to make a mushroom and coriander pizza. BORING.

Matt Preston says that “it’s not every day you get to cook for the fourteenth incarnation of a world spiritual leader,” which is definitely the truest thing that anyone has ever said on Masterchef. He says it’s time to let go of ego and material things (WHAT.) and cook from the heart. Mike says he’s going to cook a goat’s cheese tortellini with beetroot puree and borscht broth, because it’s something he makes with his mum. There is this amazing photo:

DOUBLE DENIM. KILLING IT. Kate will be cooking a coconut pudding with mangosteen mousse and coriander custard. Alana is making a middle eastern feast, with spiced pumpkin and chickpea tajine, flatbread, baba ghanoush and cheese and mint fingers. Billy is making “Buddha’s Delight”, which is basically stir fry wrapped in bean curd sheets. Ellie is cooking cheese and mushroom gnocchi with cauliflower puree, spinach and basil oil. Hayden is making a clear Japanese soup with fresh egg noodles and Dani is making a Sri Lankan curry plate with bean curry, potato curry, dhal, coconut  sambal, rice and roti bread. Kate is kind of freaking out despite the spirit of cooperation in the kitchen or whatever. People are talking about a spirit of cooperation. OK! Then the Dalai Lama walks into the kitchen and people flip right out. Mike has his mouth open so far it looks like he’s yawning and Dani will not stop giggling, even though it kind of seems like the Dalai Lama is drunk? OBVIOUSLY HE IS NOT DRUNK. Obviously! But he sure does a lot of not talking and laughing and handing people peanuts for no reason for someone who is not drunk, that’s all I’m saying. I am certainly not saying the Dalai Lama is drunk on alcohol. That would be ridiculous.

Everyone finds their own way to hyperbolically express how pleased they are that the Dalai Lama said hello to them. Ellie says, “To look into eyes of the Dalai Lama is out of this world.” Mike says he got the chills. Dani says there are tears in the kitchen, but “they’re not tears of unhappiness, they’re tears of joy.” Kate asks, “Who gets to stand next to the Dalai Lama?” HAHA. Probably thousands of people, Kate. That is an entry-level privilege. Gary walks into the kitchen and says “I just want to say one thing: you just met the Dalai Lama and you’ve got one and a half hours to go.” Two things, Gary, but whatever. Clearly the Dalai Lama broke everyone’s brain. RIP, brains.

Meanwhile, shit is starting to fall apart. Dani hasn’t cooked any of her curries yet. Ellie’s fucked her gnocchi dough completely. Mike’s burned his walnuts. Hayden is freaking out because someone turned down the heat on his broth and it might not clarify properly. Anyway, they all stagger through to plating up time and actually, shit looks pretty good? Except for Ellie’s gnocchi. God, she’s fucked it. She’s got nothing but sautéed mushrooms to serve up. She cries (obviously).

The Dalai Lama arrives for lunch and matt Preston does this WHOLE THING with a white scarf, the general vibe of which is summarised in this screenshot:

Oh yes. The Dalai Lama’s invited some charity people: Tim Costello from World Vision Australia, Rev Bill Crews from The Exodus Foundation, Ronni Kahn from OzHarvest and also Shanaka Fernando from the Lentil As Anything chain of vegetarian restaurants REPPIN’ for the vegetarians. BOO YAH, my brother. BOOM SHAKA LAKA. All of the contestants serve up there dishes for the Dalai Lama, who is very nice about all of them (also: laughs HEAPS) and then comforts Ellie when she cries. Everyone else cries for her and her shame. Ugh. They go back to the kitchen to plate up everyone else’s food and Dani tries to help Ellie save her gnocchi by pan frying slices of the gnocchi roll.

Next, the guests says all of the graces (seriously: Buddhist, Catholic, Sri Lankan, Hebrew and Anglican. Phew). Hayden is up first! His thing looks pretty amazing, actually:

The Dalai Lama says “very good”a heap of times. Ronni Kahn says it’s amazing how he chose a broth “with clarity”, because to her that’s what the Dalai Lama represents. Haha. Of course! Alana’s middle eastern feast is next. Tim Costello says he’s been all over the world but it’s as good as he’s tasted. The Dalai Lama says it’s very good. Dani’s Sri Lankan thali is next:

Everyone is way into it and Rev Bill Crews takes the opportunity to point out how the dish is a metaphor for humanity, so FUCKING LOL. Here is what he says exactly: “I was actually looking at the way it’s presented, because each bit is lovely, but presenting it in these bowls shows that you can eat each bit but enjoy the whole lot. And that’s a lot like humanity, in a way, that we’re all different but somehow we all fit together and somehow the taste of all of us is nice.” FIRSTLY, Mr Extended Metaphor, I know that all of us are struggling to achieve some sort of profundity but those are some bowls on a fucking tray and SECONDLY the taste of all of humanity would be horrible and I am talking on a metaphorical as well as literal level. It would taste like greed and diarrhoea and sadness and fossil fuels. Sorry. It’s true.

Surprisingly, Billy’s Buddha’s Delight is not so much of a big deal! Matt Preston says the flavours are muddy. I can already feel my rage building. Mike’s tortellini is next and Tim Costello says it’s extraordinary. Ellie’s gnocchi is still terrible despite the whole pan-frying experiment and Kate’s pudding gets mixed reviews: Gary doesn’t like the coriander custard, and everyone likes the mangosteen but wishes there was more of it, so.

The Dalai Lama preempts the whole judging thing by giving a speech about how all food always makes him happy and he enjoyed all of the different flavours and when you’re given food, you must accept it. All of the guests leave and the judges announce that Dani and Mike had the standout dishes! Mike says he’s never had the chance to cook for immunity before and he’d like to try, but it’s a big fat TOO BAD for him because Dani wins again. So sorry, Mike!

Alana and Hayden are also safe, which means the bottom three is Billy, Kate and Ellie. At least that immunity pin is gonna be out of the game, right? (Not really a question. At least that immunity pin is gonna be out of the game.) Oh well! Billy says making mistakes makes you stronger, so he will get stronger and stand tall. Ellie says “One week you’re in New York, next you’re in the bottom three.” It is amazing the way you can be transported from a geographical location to an abstract concept. Anyway, ideal scenario: Kate is gone tomorrow. Ellie is gone Thursday. This could still be a good week! I am definitely still going to throw a tantrum if Billy gets eliminated tomorrow, though, so deal with THAT.