Here we are! Much like, I don’t know, literally all of our entire lives, we have trundled through this season of MasterChef grumbling at all of the little things about this show that it is very reasonable to grumble at. And now - all of a sudden - we have reached the end. Day 70! The Grand Finale! Everything else seems insignificant. Just kidding, it was always insignificant. Deb’s fluctuating, menopausal ovaries. Emma’s woolly hats. Filippo’s frankly unnerving bread fetish. All insignificant! Like sand through the hourglass, so are the MasterChef contestants of our whatever.
We made it, everyone. MasterChef 2012 Grand Finale recapped on The Vine!
For a thing that I have literally never even seen ONE example of there sure has been a lot of talk of “dessert bars” on MasterChef this season. They sound great! Don’t get me wrong, if there was a “bar” that exclusively sold “dessert” in my neighbourhood I would go there and eat their dessert but I think there is a reason why there’s not. That reason is that it’s an unfeasible business model. But whatever! We’re not here to assess the feasibility of people’s dreams!
The fourth last episode of MasterChef 2012 recapped on The Vine!
Today, the scenic Italian backdrop for the impending culinary bloodbath will be the Tuscan village of Monticchiello, which Gary and George tell us was built over a thousand years ago. Whatever, nerds, we’re not here for a history lesson! They ask Alice if she is going to use her immunity pin and she spins some garbage about how she has to face her fear and zzzzzzzzzzz and also the pin is a reminder that she “conquered”? OK. Probably just make a sign that says “I conquered” and hang it above the stove or w/e. Julia says, “She’s got balls, boys!” which is adorable. It’s adorable when Julia tries to riff. (C:\riff.exe.)
Day 59 of MasterChef on The Vine!
Day 56 of MasterChef Australia on The Vine.

Day 56 of MasterChef Australia on The Vine.

The saddest episode of MasterChef in the whole world, recapped on The Vine :’-(

The saddest episode of MasterChef in the whole world, recapped on The Vine :’-(

Day 47 of MasterChef on The Vine!

Day 47 of MasterChef on The Vine!

morefunthanbeingsad said: Do you think all the wanking over how "BEAUTIFUL!" all of the produce from Tasmania was could be taken as a subtle criticism of the "fresh" produce they get from MAJOR SPONSOR Coles™ in every other episode?? Also in last nights Hotel episode did Alice set a new bar for being insufferable? I had her and Julia running neck and neck in that regard but I feel like Alice has really stepped it up a notch lately.

Look, I wouldn’t read that much into it, given how chronically over-used the word “beautiful” is on this show. But as far as Alice goes, yup, she’s definitely kicked up to the next level. For ages I’ve felt weirdly reluctant to dislike her even though she is basically forced quirk personified but we are quickly getting to the point where I just can’t defend her antics anymore. 

Emma is still the worst, though. 

This episode starts with Deb and the VERY sad story of how she crushed her finger in the door and has to go to hospital. It’s like that classic Groucho Marx quote: “Comedy is when Deb crushes her finger in the door. Comedy is also when Deb can’t compete in today’s challenge LOLOL.” Haha. I love that quote!
Day 31 of MasterChef on The Vine. Better late than never (I hope??)
The first round of today’s elimination challenge is something every “red-blooded Australian” should know how to do, we are told. “The stakes are high”, we are also told. Oh boy. “Can anybody guess what I’m talking about?” Gary asks. Haha. No, Gary. We are all idiot babies. Please tell us what the challenge is before we poop in our nappies AGAIN.
Day 29! The Vine!
There is a weird discrepancy between this show’s name, which is MasterChef, and the rules of entry, which allow only people who have never worked as a cook to compete. Obviously they are not “master” “chefs”. They’re not even regular chefs. The only accurate way to describe them is “MasterChef contestants” or “some of Australia’s best amateur cooks” and we are 25 days deep into this show and I would like something NEATER. Something that sounds like “chef” or “cook” but is not either of those words. Chaf. Coob. Something like that. Look, it’s just really important that everyone fully understand the problems I have with the phrasing of the language of this TV show. Thank you for listening. Class dismissed.
MasterChef Day 25.
MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA, RECAPPED.

By Max Lavergne.


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